Re: The Newtown Connecticut Real-Life Horror Story

Note: I wrote this back on December 15, 2012 about the tragic shooting that took place the day before at Sandy Hook Elementary in Newtown, Connecticut. For more info try the Wikipidia link:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sandy_Hook_Elementary_School_shooting
I guess I wasn't sure I was ready to post it for some unknown reason. Maybe I had more to say but if so, my mind has lost it. I am still horrified by the event and have stayed away from reading detailed accounts because I feel so depressed after learning about events like this. I have managed to box it away in the back of my mind but I do hope we never forget those innocent lives that were lost. I dream that the future brings improvements to our mental healthcare system and I also hope to see our country prioritize both the importance of educating of our youth and their educators safely.

It was hard to send Jackson to kindergarten this morning. I wanted to stay with him all day. I still cannot watch/read/listen to ANY news related to the Newtown tragedy. I can't bear to learn any more at this point and in fact, may not ever be able to.

I know I can't pretend it away but I simply cannot process it yet. I have kept the news off because I am very worried about how Jackson might react if he sees or hears anything about it.

I usually manage to keep tragic, sad scary things such as this tucked away in the back of my mind. It seems, however, that I am having a hard time not thinking about this one. Maybe having gone through my own personal mental health journey in the last two years can explain this, or maybe the thought that my own darling firstborn is just like the little angels who have gone home to God's loving arms too soon but this story won't leave me alone. At night I imagine the emotions of the survivors and family of those who were killed and I find tears streaming down my face, soaking my pillow. I know this didn't affect me directly-but it is WAY to close to home for me and my silly emotions.

I pray that the tragic events that occurred in Newtown might unite our country and motivate us to work together at improving the security of ALL our children and educators. My wish is that our country will acknowledge that its future doesn't exist without our children, thereby moving public education to the top of our nation's list of priorities. If our country acknowledges that providing safe, secure, learning environments for our children IS a priority, it can only lead to a better and brighter future for ALL Americans.

In my opinion, we Americans need to place a higher value on education. The importance of providing safe learning environments for our beautiful, innocent children and their educators must not be forgotten. I also believe our country needs to improve mental healthcare access and treatment options nationwide. If our leaders can recognize that the country's mental health system is failing (indirectly leading to tragic, terrible consequences), and can take measures to try and correct the issues, perhaps some of these horrific events could be prevented in the first place.

Just Another Normal Tuesday

Hello, faithful readers.  I have been lazy as well as clueless about what to write about, and so tonight I am going to write about our Tuesday.  It is identical to most every Tuesday for me.  My apologies.

I woke at 7:00 am when I heard Silas (2) calling me from his bed. I didn't want him to wake his brother Forrest (4) so I grabbed him & headed downstairs.  Forrest managed to sleep through his roommates bellowing and didn't wake until about 20 minutes later.  Silas & I snuggled on the couch watching "Max & Ruby on Nickelodeon.  Once Forrest came down I went upstairs to wake Jackson (6) for school.

By now it's about 8:10am, & Jackson has dressed himself and its time for breakfast-we had waffles today since I ran out of milk.  After breakfast Jackson took his medicine (he has low iron, asthma & allergies) & brushed his teeth while I changed diapers on the other two. Then I had my hourly potty battle with Forrest which ended triumphantly (for me) with him peeing in the potty & putting on his underwear.  Jackson then tells his sleeping father goodbye. His dad is already gone to work at 4:10 pm when school ends for the day.

Next I packed Jackson's lunch, checked his backpack and put shoes on everyone, except Jackson who does his own, thank God.  At 8:40 am the boys & I leave the house on foot to walk with Jackson to kindergarten.  The school is almost 3 blocks away and Silas battles with me with me the entire time because he doesn't want to hold my hand.   This twice daily walk usually follows the same pattern.  Silas starts out happily holding my hand, but soon tries to give me the slip.  I pick him up and carry him every time he fights and runs away, which occurs frequently and without change.  "He HAS to catch on soon," I keep thinking to myself. I am adamant that if he wants to walk he MUST hold my hand.  Meanwhile Jackson is falling behind, getting lost in Lala Land, while Forrest runs ahead yelling "HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!" to every person we come across.  Once we get to the   crossing guard and say bye to Jackson,  the 3 of us return back home in much the same fashion.

 We get home from the walk around 9:20 and the boys  watched cartoons for an hour while I laid on the couch catnapping.  I am NOT a morning person and I usually stay up too late because its so nice and peaceful after their bedtime.  Around 10:30 I began to feel like a person once again and Forrest and I argued again about pottying and somehow today he scammed me into agreeing to a picnic lunch outside if he shows me he can be a good boy. And so Forrest won that battle.  He still dawdled and wasted time fidgeting & talking but finally he peed like a big boy.

At 11:20 I woke Matt up for the first time.  Then Forrest and I packed lunches-with Forrest leading the effort.  His and Silas's lunches consisted of a slice of bread, a slice of cheese, a cookie, Goldfish, cheese puffs, and tortilla chips.  Oh, and a juice box too.  Let the record state these are NOT my choices-but I am so sick of the boys wasting food that I chose not to fight this particular battle today.

 At 11:40 am we went out back to eat after I yelled at Matt a second time to get out of bed.  Forrest and Silas ate for 2 minutes or less before they decided to play, leaving me yelling at them to to clean up the mess they had made of their lunches.  In the short time it took for me to put the trash in the bin just around the corner they managed to dig in the mud with their trucks, making a huge mess of their toys, clothes, faces and hands.  Instead of showimy annoyance,  I let them continue on another ten minutes or so because the mess was done, my anger wasn't going to change anything.   When the neighbors began mowing their yard I knew we were done outside because I can't handle mowing thanks to my allergies, so I dragged Silas inside. Happy that Matt was now on the couch and out of bed, I requested that he help clean Forrest and get him ready for pre-school, which he attends in the afternoons.  I started to wash my hands but had to race BACK outside to haul Silas inside again.  He screamed and fought as I tried to wash his hands, telling me I was "bad and needed a time-oup".

By now it was about 12:15 and Forrest was ready for the bus which picks him up at 12:45.  I jumped in the shower and left Matt on duty.  Silas tried to break down the bathroom door for awhile but the lock held firm thankfully.  I finished up and was getting dressed when I heard Forrest start fighting with his Dad because the bus had arrived and Forrest wanted ME to walk him out to it.  I threw on whatever I found ("mom" capris and a tank top) and I ran him to the impatiently waiting bus driver.  Then I came back inside and allowed Silas use of the Nabitab and soon he was busy playing Angry  Birds.

It was now 1:10 pm and I did the dishes, cleaned the kitchen, and started a load of laundry.  Then I cleaned up the living room and vacuumed.  After that I folded and sorted three loads of clean laundry which had become permanent fixtures in the living room.  Matt was helpful and he sorted, folded, and put away his laundry. We also watched a show from our DVR as we folded the clean clothes.  Then he made a pizza to take to work for dinner and we watched another show off our DVR.  

Silas had fallen asleep on the couch-he was laying on top of his game-super funny!  I left him there until 3:30 pm, when I had to wake him up and change his diaper so he would be ready for Grandma. She usually picks him up on Tuesdays after getting off work at 3:30. Today she arrived here at 3:45, and Silas happily left me and his Dad to head up to Grandma's House. 

It was time to walk to school and pick up Jackson, so I left home at 4:00.  Matt also leaves for work at four, so we kissed and said goodbye for the day. I took Jackson's scooter with me since I only had one boy to keep track of, which he was ecstatic about. At home he had an apple while he watched Pokemon, and then he was allowed ten minutes of Angry Birds playtime. 

It was now five pm, and Forrest was due home at 5:10.  His preschool ends at 4:20 but because of distance, crazy traffic and frequent bus stops he arrives home late.  He usually is asleep and grouchy, so today was a nice change-he happily climbed off the bus and came inside agreeably.  He peed and we got ready for Jackson's karate class.  It starts at six and ends at 7:30.  Forrest played with toys, colored, or used the iPad or Nabitab quietly during class as he waited with me.  After karate ended I grabbed some yucky burgers from Sonic for the two boys to eat. Then we drove halfway to Excelsior Springs to meet my mom and collect Silas, who was all clean, bathed & fed!  Thanks Mom!  

Once we arrived home it was already 8:10 so Jackson & Forrest washed up and got pajamas on.  I have them their medicine and they went up to brush teeth followed by prayers. After tucking them in, I rocked Silas for 15 minutes, then put him in bed, even though he was awake.  He knows what  bedtime is and usually he falls asleep with no problems.   By now it was 9:00 pm and I had laundry to switch & dishes to do....so I got on facebook of course...and now I must end this story because the laundry and dishes are still waiting.  I will go to bed around midnight, because this is MY TIME, and it is precious and rare! There  is so much that I needed to do today that did not get done but that is the story every day!   

The End of a Dream Realized, or Farewell to My Loyal Dog

My Canine Love Story

I should start at the beginning.  I got Chopper in 2002 when he was one year old.  I was living in a little studio apartment, and now that I had my own place I was determined to get a dog.  Ever since I was a young girl I have dreamed of owning a dog.  I spent hours daydreaming about how my dog would follow me anywhere without a leash and do tricks and obey me without falter.  I just KNEW that some day I WOULD have a dog who WOULD be my best friend in the entire world.  When playing house with other children I remember I always wanted to be the dog-not the mom or sister etc.  I always felt that I had a strong understanding of canines and voraciously read any book the library had that involved a dog as a character.  When I got him it only took a day for him to learn that I was his person and he was my dog.  Chopper has always been the sweetest thing in the world, and we formed an amazing bond right away.

My dog was all I had ever imagined and then so much more.  He was my loyal companion and went everywhere with me.  I had some very tolerable friends as they always knew that by inviting me over they also were inviting Chopper.  His impeccable manners made it easier to bring him along wherever I went.  He never had an accident in the house.  In fact, he has been my dog for over ten years now and has never soiled our home-not even once!  Chopper learned basic commands from his first owner, and was also potty trained, so it was easy for me to take it to the next level.  He picked up the new tricks quickly.  His commands expanded from basic sitting and staying to include shaking hands, speaking and growling on command, rolling over, doing spins, dancing and much more.  I delighted in teaching him and showing off his skills to anyone willing to watch us.  He had perfect manners as I mentioned, and never bothered people too much.  After an appropriate greeting of a new person he would not jump or lick or bother them unless they wanted him to.

Chopper was beautiful as a young dog.  I kept his hair longer and he had a topknot that made him look like a perky cheerleader.  He had the best disposition and loved all people and other animals.  I learned about a local non-profit group called Pets for Life that offered Therapy Dog certification classes as well as arranging for the therapy dogs and owners to visit nursing home residents, hospital patients, and even students at school.  I loved this idea and Chopper passed his test the first time we took it, with no prep at all.  He had the perfect calm manner and being a lapdog also helped.  I loved taking him to nursing homes and letting the residents hold him, and hug and pet him.  The residents would open up and talk about their childhood pets  and it was always a very special activity for Chopper and me.  He was a pro and adored all the love and attention, but he never allowed me out of his sight.  If I went to the bathroom he had to come too, or he would whine and pace while waiting for me.

Chopper was my constant companion and he always rode shotgun.  He loved to ride and would stand on my lap so he could reach the window better.  At the gas station his favorite perch was on top of my little Hyundai, surveying the world like the king he was.  We had many years like this together, sharing every adventure.  Chopper always slept at the foot of my bed; he was the best foot-warmer I ever had-until the last 3 years or so.  Poor old guy stopped being able to jump up onto the bed.  I would lift him up and he would stay awhile, but would have to patrol the house every so often-which meant he lost his spot in bed.

Sadly,Chopper began to suffer from some skin allergy problems for about 4 years now. The problems began when we moved to Liberty. A vet was no help, as they wanted me to pay for lab work and skin scrapings and a whole bunch of other tests.  If money was no problem I would have done it all in a heartbeat. However, when your children do not even have health insurance it is hard to rationalize hundreds of dollars of testing on a dog.

So we gave him rotating rounds of benadryl and prednizone. This, along with weekly baths in a antibiotic and anti-fungal shampoo (also costly!) seemed to keep him in decent shape.  He still enjoyed his life, and never failed to be there for EVERY scrap of food that fell on the floor.  He always loved to sit under the baby's high-chair and he also really enjoyed walking Jackson to and from kindergarten twice a day.  As a former therapy dog he must have thought it was his job to greet each person he encountered and the kids loved him to pieces.

He passed away right after Christmas on 12-28-2012.  Taking him to be put down was the HARDEST thing I have done in all 30 years of my life but I knew he had reached the point where his life no longer was enjoyable and pain-free.  As a loving, responsible dog owner I felt it was my duty to ensure he did not suffer in the end.

I want another dog enormously!!! With the 3 little boys however it sadly is going to be put on hold for now...until then I feel that part of my life is incomplete-I really need the comfort and reassurance that only a loyal dog can provide.

Hello, we are still here!!!

Hello!
So, it is January 24 already, and my first post for the new year.  I have no excuse, other than the fact that this little blog is something I do in my free time, and free time is in limited quantities around here!
My little men are growing so fast, it is so fun to watch as they learn, and change, and develop their little personalities.  I figured I would start out with a little update on each of them.

Jackson is loving preschool, every morning when he wakes up he asks "Do I have school today?"  He even reminded me today that he needs to bring back his library book, because today is library day.
Jack and Forrest have been getting along a little better.  They still fight, and I try very hard to stay out of their arguments, because I think they need to learn how to solve their problems on their own, although if they resort to violence I do step in.  Jack is still very particular about things and situations, and tends to melt down when they don't go his way.

Forrest is my poor middle child, and he really is torn in the middle.  He wants to be big, like Jackson and be able to get on a school bus and go wherever it is that Jackson has so much fun at.  At the same time, he sees me baby Silas and he wants to be my baby too.  He is such a sweetheart when you can give him some one-on-one time and he loves to help me do chores.  He is doing well with learning to use the potty, and pretty much stays dry all day, not counting those pesky # 2's!


And last we have Lil' Silas!!  Silas is now 14 months old.  He is so amazing and smart!! He says lots of words, including Mama, Dada, I love you, Jack, and milk to name a few.  He wants to play with his brothers so bad, and they just yell at him and push him, or take toys away from him roughly.  It makes me sad to watch, but I also remember the way it felt to have a younger sibling in the way.  I just need to try to plan a few activities each week that we all do together, and some that are for big boys, and some for kiddos like my sweet  Lil' Silas.

So far this year has been great, I decided that this year is all about my amazing little family, and even rang in the new year with my boys.  They got to drink sparking juice out of champagne glasses, they were so proud.  We toasted the new year at nine pm.  Jackson kept saying, "Happy You Near!!!" 

So I will end this by saying Happy You Near to all 3 of my loyal readers!

My son is worthless after school!

So today was Jack's third day of preschool and it is a big adjustment for all of us.  The main issue is that Jackson is completely exhausted when he gets home. He was put in the afternoon class, so the school bus comes for him around 12:45pm, and he doesn't get home until nearly 5:00pm. I have always had problems with Jackson not getting enough sleep. He stopped napping completely when he was two and it was horrible. He was so tired today after school that he didn't even know which way was up.  He couldn't tell me about class or what he talked about today.  He burst into tears more times than I can count, for ridiculous things like not being the first kid in the bathtub, or when I tried to have a quiet chat with him.  He has a spaz-attack if I touch his arm gently, in an attempt to get him to focus and listen to me.
I hope it is just an adjustment period. I am going to call the school in a few weeks if things don't improve. I can't deal with with the three boys constantly competing and fighting.

***This was typed originally back in December.  I never did remember to post it, I kept thinking I would be able to write a bit more.  An update, Jackson is still pretty much done for the day when he gets off the bus, but we have all gotten used to the new schedule a little bit more, and I have learned he needs to zone out for awhile after school.. I can respect that!! I remember coming home and being immediately engulfed, and it was hard-I would have loved to just get my work clothes off first!! So I am trying to respect that school takes a lot out of my little man, and try to leave him alone to decompress for awhile!

Preschool

Today was my oldest son's first day of preschool.  Last summer, before I lost my job we had enrolled Jackson in a church run preschool, but had to pull him out when our financial situation changed. Our amazing PAT rep helped me with getting Jackson enrolled in our city's school district's Early Childhood Education Center's preschool classes.

So the bus came for him today at 12:50. His class is from 1:20 to 4:20. He was so happy!  When the bus came, he jumped right on and never looked back! I was so sad and happy and proud all at the same time.  The rest of the afternoon for me was very slow and I wondered what he was doing every ten minutes.  The bus was supposed to bring him home at 4:40, but didn't come until 5:10-waiting really sucked because its freezing, and I had Forrest and Silas with me (Matt was already gone to work).  The bus finally came, we walked home and went through the whole "takeoffyourshoesandcoatsandhats" song and dance and finally I got to ask him how school was.

My answer? "Mom, I am just too hungry to talk about it right now."  So after a snack, I asked him what his favorite part about school today was. He told me, "My favorite part was getting on the bus and coming home."    Hmmmmm.

Then he wanted to go play cars upstairs in his bedroom with Forrest so off they went.  In his backpack his teacher wrote a note that he had a good first day. I prodded him about it more during bathtime, and he said they sat on a rug, sang and talked, played, and went outside. He said he got Teddy Grahams and chocolate milk.

Then he told me he had a sore throat and that I probably better take his temperature.  I am not sure what that was about, but I am sure this will be a big adjustment for a little boy who has stayed home with his family all four years of his life.

I will wait and see what tomorrow brings!

Loving Life!

It has been five months since I traded a stressful full-time job at a busy medical office for the joy of staying home with my family and I couldn't be happier.  As each day passes I feel like I am finally doing what I am supposed to do at this point in my life.  After seven years of time, love and tears at the medical office, the change was very scary. Financially the loss of my job meant some severe cutbacks and possibly a future move.

These fears faded away immediately as I began to reacquaint myself with my little family and learn their daytime routines and of course, I finally got to relax! After years of waking up dreading the day ahead, I am awake as soon as I hear Forrest sneaking out of his room to cause trouble, and I am happy to wake up!

Some of the things that I now have time to do are:

*Take my children to the pediatrician for check-ups and also for acute care (without feeling guilty for calling in!) and to specialist appointments for the asthma and allergy doctor

*Find an pediatric dentist, and take each boy to his first ever dental appointment

*Take the boys to WIC appointments (again the missing work issue)

*Clean my house

*Laundry-(I do have to admit putting away the clean laundry is still an ongoing issue)

*Play with my kids! Read to my kids! Snuggle and hug and kiss my kids!! (I did this before but never enough!!)

*Learn about the kitchen, and trying to figure out this whole "cooking" thing. I am so proud, today is the first time in ten years that I made dinner for my husband and he liked it. I think he was even impressed!

*Organize the insane mess and collection of crap that goes along with having three boys (four, if you count Matt)

*Read, and write, and do things that make me happy!!

I was not one of those amazing women who are able to balance a career with motherhood. Props to all of you out there doing it-and more!!

I know that right now I am doing exactly what I should be doing and I have proof. I just have to look at my boys. They have changed so much since I started staying home-they are the best behaved they have ever been! I used to have some discipline problems and I also used to yell non stop after a hard long day at the office. Now I am patient and can take the time to just be in the moment with my darlings and they have just blossomed with all my attention.  My husband won't ever say it, but I know he enjoys having me home more than he ever thought he would!

For me this chance to be home is a dream come true. I don't want to take a single minute of it for granted. I have an amazing family and am so blessed.